Lately I feel like I am just losing and losing things - not buttons or eye glasses - it's the loss of a life promised, the loss of my children one night a week and 3 weekends a month and the upcoming Spring Break is overwhelming me with the loss of them over those days. The loss of a marriage that we agreed to love each other through thick and thin and good and bad and richer and poorer loss of dreams of sharing a life, watching our children grow, the possibility of grandchildren,. A promise we made before God and our family that has just crumbled around me.
The loss of my marriage is as saddest thing since the loss of my parent's marriage. its one of those sadness's where you end up on the floor crying so hard you cannot breathe - the ache in my body hurts so much I lose track of food, dates and time. The first four days without my children I walked around the house not able to breathe - seriously - I think I was in shock and cried myself to sleep more nights than I remember - How can I be a mother when i don't have my children - I know in my heart I am still their mother but I hate being without my children when I didn't ask for the divorce.... my heart breaks when they are gone. I know they are having quality time with their dad and their grandparents are very close and for that I am thankful.
This blog is not going to be about bashing him. Nothing in that glorifies the Lord or doesn't help the situation for anyone. I have two young children and we both want what is best for them - but that is 'not' for our marriage to salvaged at this time. I don't know what the Lord has for the future but I am leaning on Him for guidance. This doesn't mean I just sit back and 'wait' I have submitted so many applications for jobs and had so much rejection in that area.
Some jobs were not direct rejection - it's just I cannot work a 9-6 job and drive 30-40 miles each way - each day - I have young elementary school age children and truly feel that the Lord wants to me be more apart of their lives than breakfast -dinner and to bed. Before this - I think I was pretty sheltered in the sense I really got every job I ever applied for! Quite the ego booster that used to be! I worked hard for 20+ years and now... I've had one job that would have me driving 60 miles a day and home late every day and another one that wanted me there at 5 AM to unload trucks. :( I cannot do that job - b/c I have elementary age children AND as a single mother just cannot do that job~ who would get my children off to school each morning?
The loss of expectations is all around me - expectations of marriage, love, dreams, affection and my children, the house we built together.
The oddest loss is that of some friends - I am not going to spend time on that - but I just cannot be around people who are going to continue to 'bash' my ex or work against me behind my back It doesn't help anyone and hurts still. I am the first person to say none of us are perfect and he has hurt me to my core but I will not and cannot tolerate it for my children's sake. It is not reflective of God's love for us - and that He sent His Son to die on the cross so that we may be saved and not perish but have everlasting life with Him.I've sought counsel on this subject and come to the realization some friends just don't make it through tragedies as I am going through and I just need to trust the Lord to bring new friends into my life and heart.
(feels like Jr. High or something and I just don't need that drama right now)
So... loss of a marriage, loss of affection, loss of some friends, loss of expectations, loss of my children on a regular basis, rejection from my husband, job rejections and I am sad right now - to my soul sad with the complete and utter loss I feel.
But I know that my Redeemer Lives and because of that I can face tomorrow. I will take it day by day and sometimes minute but minute but HE will bring me through this. In Divorce Care class one of the counselors said "- divorce is not a lifestyle - it's just something we are going through right now.." . and so this is just something I'm going through - Sometimes it feels like you are walking around with a big "D" on your forehead or a scarlet letter pasted to your chest - so be patient as I find my way, as the Lord brings us through something that is so sad. AND I know He will bring us through this and may He be glorified.
I think about Job at this time - and I although I've not lost everything it definitely feels like it some times - and I just pray that in some way the Lord be glorified in the circumstances He has me in at this time in my life. I know I'm going to stumble - I am human. And I'm going to share some of my walk with you.
Take care of you and your loved ones! Give them a hug too!
Eph 3:20
Ps 91
Is 43
Rom 8:38-39
Is. 41:13
2 Cor.9:8
Rom 8;28
Deut. 31:6
