quick update.... Maine

My children LOVE the ocean.. does not matter the water is freezing...

I cannot tell you how beautiful Maine is to me. I love the rocky coastline. I love the breezes that blow in from the ocean.

I also am enjoying our house we've rented. Along with it being a century old post office being refurbished to hold our family upstairs - it is an actual post office downstairs. We will meet 'our' postman later today when we mail our postcards we've been writing to our friends. :)

This morning I made a yummy breakfast - I hate going out and spending money when for a few dollars you can put together a yummy breakfast each morning all week! Although we've gone through our farm stand strawberries we found along the road in just one day... we'll need to find a new farm stand today! So a bit of coffee, fresh farm eggs, bacon, strawberries, toast and juice! Today I'm going to town and find the local cheese store I read about online too! Yes - this lovely post office has wireless internet - (perfect vacation for me) I'm able to keep everyone updated and I love being connected.

I'm hoping we can find a 'sandy' beach today. :) The kiddos need it. They are getting a bit grumpy about all the walking I have them doing right now! But it's vacation - right? AND we are in a beautiful state - so let's go and see it!

(this is our back yard)

Another Update.... (one day I'll have a good one for you)

I've decided being single just stinks...

I've been doing better each day but a friend today reminded me something that I've learned very recently - that it just takes ONE day - sometimes just ONE thing to sorta pull the rug out from under you and remind you are single again.. and at this time when "I'm" reminded of that it reminds me I"m divorced and the person I married for forever doesn't want to married to me -forever, and then of course it's a downward spiral of being alone and having no one to lean over and talk to or ask their thoughts on something or hold hands with or cook for and leave notes too or just smile at for no reason.

In February I was feeling better and starting to 'get hold' of life or rather ME again and two friends I thought were friends for life pulled the rug out from under me and it has taken me almost 3 months to recover from - I never dreamed that friends would do such a thing. But it crushed me and hurt so bad that I hid in my house, cried allot and afraid to go out and be seen by people for knowing that they were talking behind my back and who knows what.

But I've come through that - I still don't know why it happened. I know that it was uncalled for and especially by a friend. The Lord has brought me through it and I feel I've grown up somewhat through it - and their actions really only reflect on themselves.

So now this past Friday I had another day where the day bolstered me and I'm starting to feel 'normal' again. (3 months from the last time I've felt this good) I'm excited about the summer and a bit excited and nervous about the traveling we are going to be doing. I'm excited about the classes I'm taking and realizing I am smart, funny and can still be "me" after all this time. I'm 47 years old and am looking forward to this second half of my life.

Today church was tough - I really have a tough time going to church and not being in church .. (I had nursery duty today) ... and went home to get ready for the church picnic and went to the park and IT WASN'T THERE.(not the park - the church picnic).. they hadn't reserved the park - and there was a large function going on already and NO one from the church was there... (?)

I walked all over the park looking for them carrying a huge pan of brownies and the tomato cucumber salad. Couldn't find anyone - started calling the numbers I had and couldn't reach anyone. ( - they were busy picnicking) That's when I started to crumble - feeling alone and the only one left out of the picnic .. the one NOT included .. and I felt it creeping up in me again.. I felt alone and being reminded that I'm alone.

NOW.. before you get all mushy on me - I KNOW in my heart that I'm not alone - and that the Lord is with me and I have my children most of the time. BUT... a lot of the time I am by myself and I feel Satan just uses this against me. :( It's not enough I'm by myself.. but I have to deal with him and the doubt and hurt that envelopes me)

I went home after calling my dad to cry a bit - I checked my email and found out they had moved the picnic! So I against everything in me I drove to the new park and found everyone and even though they had finished eating I sat down and made my plate and one sweet woman came up to me and hugged me and I just tried to hold back the tears b/c of her kindness. She's in her 2nd marriage and she knew what I was going through and just let me hang with her. I am so thankful for her and her openness. (my pastor came up to me after he received my voicemail and just apologized and apologized - I had to make him to stop or I'd be crying) He's a very tenderhearted man. Churches really fail when it comes to divorced people and I'm not sure why - is it awkward and they don't know what to say? I'm not sure. Even today someone walked up to us and said, "It's great to be here with my wife... but then he stopped and I could tell he felt awkward for a moment b/c he'd remembered I was recently divorced... it was awkward. I was glad he enjoyed being there with his wife... but it reminded me I was there alone. Our church is so new - I am the only divorced person in the group. So.... I'm not going to find another church ... so we're going to have to figure it out.

It's a new life and full of new possibilities. :) I just wish I was stronger - and didn't have these days that bend me so low to the point of dissolution and such sadness. This evening I am OK - I'm glad I went against everything in me and went to the picnic even though it was tough. I didn't stay as long as I would have in the past but I stayed a couple of hours and came home. My children come home tomorrow and I'm SO GLAD and I want to get some cleaning done and be ready for when they arrive.

I am going to be doing online schooling this summer for a medical billing certificate. Something new for me - but it will be my back up plan if getting a job in the school system doesn't work out. It's a job hopefully I can do part time or full time from home. So - if you think about me to say a prayer please pray for a job in the school system so I can have summers off with my children. That would be my prayer ~ but of course I'll go what direction the Lord will have me go. :)

Goodnight - have a good week Ya'll!

Just some snap shots of folks lately........

My cousin Angie came over for lunch one day and the children had a wonderful time getting to know her! Can't believe she lives in Arlington and we are just now getting together! :)

PawPaw, Jenny, Calvin and AJ - we went to this yummy little restaurant in downtown Ft. Worth!

PawPaw and I :) ~ it's always a bit sad when he leaves Texas....

What can I say? The cutest/sweetest children in the world with their PawPaw - we had a picnic in one of the local parks and walk after dinner.
Paw Paw trimmed his own beard! :) He's getting quite 'independent' as of lately...


You can't see it - but there were beautiful homes on either side of this walking path.. it was so nice AND I love after dinner walks. :)

A Year in Hymns #2

I am Thine, O Lord

I am Thine, O Lord, I have heard Thy voice,

and it told Thy love to me;

But I long to rise in the arms of faith,

And be closer drawn to Thee

Chorus

Draw me nearer, nearer, blessed Lord,

To the cross where Thou has died,

Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer blessed Lord,

To Thy precious bleeding side.

Consecrate me now to Thy service, Lord,

By the pow'r of grace divine;

Let my soul look up with a steadfast hope,

And my will be lost in Thine.

O, the pure delight of a single hour

That before Thy throne I spend,

When I kneel in prayer, and with Thee, my God,

I commune as friend with friend!

There are depths of love that I cannot know

Till I cross the narrow sea;

There are heights of joy that I may not reach

Till I rest in peace with Thee.

Fanny Jane Crosby (1820-1915)

This wonderful hymn was co-written with a close friend and collaborator of Fanny's - William H. Doane - in the line written "I commune as friend to friend" is an allusion to her dear friendship with Doane - IF a mere human can be such a friend, how greater would a friendship be with the Author of love, the Lord of all? Crosby had a talent for focusing attention on Christ and on the glories of eternal life with Him. In that way she opened the eyes of believers everywhere.

After reading this hymn - it has been in my head for days -and especially the lines; 'Let my soul look up with a steadfast hope, and my will be lost in Thine'. That is where I want to be - I want to look up with a steadfast hope - and my will be lost in HIS - b/c my heart while broken, is hopeful- only in my Heavenly Father -and for my children though;- everywhere else is I'm a bit 'gun shy'. But I have had moments this last week that give me hope for the future. There have been less tears - more laughter than in a while. I've been learning so much in Divorce Care classes and realize in staying focused on Christ - even in this divorce that 'P' and I can reconcile - not in marriage but 'reconcile' means to live in peace and/or harmony - and where the children are concerned we are reconciled - and for that I am so thankful. Where our children are concerned - we are 'reconciled' so the children have a continuity that so many divorced families do NOT have. We are not badmouthing each other, we consult each other regarding school, health and even movies (thank you Lord). He let me take them to church service on Easter even though it was his weekend.

This past weekend we had our Open House! The children planned it and loved it! -They have been wanting to have friends over for months! So we finally had our house put into enough order to 'have' people over! It was so much fun and just bolstered me; seeing everyone who came to visit and the children were running and laughing and playing for hours - the whole day truly stocked my soul with such happiness. The Lord has blessed us tremendously with friends and I thank the Lord each day for them. I thank the Lord for our new church - I feel the Lord brought them here just for me (some days)- He introduced me to our church family and put them in place a very short time before the word divorce came into my world.

So that when I needed them - the Lord had them in place! When I fell to my knees - they were there. They have helped me pack, helped put up shelves, helped move furniture and even pre-emergent for my yard! They have hugged me when I needed it - cried with me and invited me places - it is so amazing - and I am so thankful for each and every one of them.

so thankful for those who pray for me - who love me and my children and for the children's dad (yes, I am) , for family and friends.

So with a renewed steadfast hope I will lean on Him and look to the future, may my will be lost in HIS will - Jeremiah 29:11 says, "I have a plan for you declares the Lord -to prosper and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future

A New Day...

Taking a break... Rachel picked our spot

just a snap shot

Rachel rolling down the hill - Patrick's over to the right..

How close can I get without getting very wet?

We've been playing with these toads since they were in pull-ups!

Is he serious? A drink from that toad? (ick)

tired thatched cottage... see.. pansies look tired..

Love these crepe myrtles tree branches...

Taking another break ... Patrick always has a 'stick' with him... never know when you'll need a stick, weapon, walking stick, gun, sword... let's see -what else was that stick today? :)

Rachel - on break checking out our map and where we were heading next.. :)

Love these crepe myrtles... this was on the walk towards the 'toads'

one of the 'pioneer' buildings.. he looks natural there...with his stick...

She loved the covered wagon!

They both loved the teepee...

Yes - she touched the fox skin... then she asked me for the hand sanitizer... :)

Can you see doing this? Not me... glad I don't have too!

So glad I didn't have to grow up in a sod house too! :)

I had the best time today with my children.
I made a whole big lunch- and packed a huge cooler (with wheels) and as leaving realized Goldie -(the wonder dog) had eaten the coupon for the park! (sigh) Nothing like being late...
I picked up Patrick and Rachel and they were so engrossed in their 'electronic games' all the way to the park. (sigh again)

The day started chilly - 38 degrees and supposed to be 62 - but so sunny and just a glorious day.

I love The Arboretum - especially in the Spring - with everything in bloom it just seems so promising.

The children laughed and ran, ran and ran some more and laughed and rolled down hills of beautiful soft green grass.

The sun was warm the breeze was light and the fragrance of the hyacinth was everywhere! I had never seen so many hyacinth! The daffodils were tall and stately everywhere and the forsythia was the backdrop in so many areas.
The park has wonderful areas for the children - They have a pioneer village with buildings (all half size) and another area is a "Texas type houses and buildings, gardens, hand pump for water, a sod house and a tee pee! We spent most of our time in these areas!
We ran into two friends today! Amazing if you ask me - with the hundreds and hundreds of people there today! One of Patrick's classmates and friends from church! :)

We did find a small area of shamrocks - so appropriate for today! There is a small thatched cottage that is starting to show it's age I'm afraid... they used to have it surrounded with wild flowers and tulips but as much as I love pansies - they seemed a bit tired today.

Did I tell that while we were standing in line - I pulled my camera out to check it and realized I left the batteries at home? No? Well - it's not something I have EVER done before and immediately thought - "drive home and pick up the battery pack?" and immediately thought, "No - it's 40-50 miles home - just let it go Tammy" so I 'snapped pictures with the phone camera and was just thankful I had remembered my phone!" :)

It was a beautiful day and the most sun and fresh air we've had in had in a while! It was a wonderful time with the children and as I dropped them off at their grandparents to spend time with their dad - someone said, "Enjoy your quiet time" ... but you and I know coming home to an empty house is the furthest thing from "enjoyable" but do you know what? I had the most wonderful time with the children - laughing and listening to them talk and enjoy the sunshine. Hugs were plentiful and as we sat enjoying our time I know that this is a treasured place not only for me - but this year I think it's going to be a special place with the kiddos as well. We spread our blanket out several times and just talked and laughed with each other and I wouldn't trade that for anything!

I've been coming to this park since the 1980's and have enjoyed the changes over the years - but this year the changes were with me and I'm OK with that today . I know that God is good. I know He loves me. I know HE is going to protect me and I'm going to make it through this time. :)

Hope you enjoy the pictures!

Loss and Loss = Gain?

Lately I feel like I am just losing and losing things - not buttons or eye glasses - it's the loss of a life promised, the loss of my children one night a week and 3 weekends a month and the upcoming Spring Break is overwhelming me with the loss of them over those days. The loss of a marriage that we agreed to love each other through thick and thin and good and bad and richer and poorer loss of dreams of sharing a life, watching our children grow, the possibility of grandchildren,. A promise we made before God and our family that has just crumbled around me.

The loss of my marriage is as saddest thing since the loss of my parent's marriage. its one of those sadness's where you end up on the floor crying so hard you cannot breathe - the ache in my body hurts so much I lose track of food, dates and time. The first four days without my children I walked around the house not able to breathe - seriously - I think I was in shock and cried myself to sleep more nights than I remember - How can I be a mother when i don't have my children - I know in my heart I am still their mother but I hate being without my children when I didn't ask for the divorce.... my heart breaks when they are gone. I know they are having quality time with their dad and their grandparents are very close and for that I am thankful.

This blog is not going to be about bashing him. Nothing in that glorifies the Lord or doesn't help the situation for anyone. I have two young children and we both want what is best for them - but that is 'not' for our marriage to salvaged at this time. I don't know what the Lord has for the future but I am leaning on Him for guidance. This doesn't mean I just sit back and 'wait' I have submitted so many applications for jobs and had so much rejection in that area.
Some jobs were not direct rejection - it's just I cannot work a 9-6 job and drive 30-40 miles each way - each day - I have young elementary school age children and truly feel that the Lord wants to me be more apart of their lives than breakfast -dinner and to bed. Before this - I think I was pretty sheltered in the sense I really got every job I ever applied for! Quite the ego booster that used to be! I worked hard for 20+ years and now... I've had one job that would have me driving 60 miles a day and home late every day and another one that wanted me there at 5 AM to unload trucks. :( I cannot do that job - b/c I have elementary age children AND as a single mother just cannot do that job~ who would get my children off to school each morning?

The loss of expectations is all around me - expectations of marriage, love, dreams, affection and my children, the house we built together.

The oddest loss is that of some friends - I am not going to spend time on that - but I just cannot be around people who are going to continue to 'bash' my ex or work against me behind my back It doesn't help anyone and hurts still. I am the first person to say none of us are perfect and he has hurt me to my core but I will not and cannot tolerate it for my children's sake. It is not reflective of God's love for us - and that He sent His Son to die on the cross so that we may be saved and not perish but have everlasting life with Him.I've sought counsel on this subject and come to the realization some friends just don't make it through tragedies as I am going through and I just need to trust the Lord to bring new friends into my life and heart.
(feels like Jr. High or something and I just don't need that drama right now)

So... loss of a marriage, loss of affection, loss of some friends, loss of expectations, loss of my children on a regular basis, rejection from my husband, job rejections and I am sad right now - to my soul sad with the complete and utter loss I feel.
But I know that my Redeemer Lives and because of that I can face tomorrow. I will take it day by day and sometimes minute but minute but HE will bring me through this. In Divorce Care class one of the counselors said "- divorce is not a lifestyle - it's just something we are going through right now.." . and so this is just something I'm going through - Sometimes it feels like you are walking around with a big "D" on your forehead or a scarlet letter pasted to your chest - so be patient as I find my way, as the Lord brings us through something that is so sad. AND I know He will bring us through this and may He be glorified.

I think about Job at this time - and I although I've not lost everything it definitely feels like it some times - and I just pray that in some way the Lord be glorified in the circumstances He has me in at this time in my life. I know I'm going to stumble - I am human. And I'm going to share some of my walk with you.

Take care of you and your loved ones! Give them a hug too!

Eph 3:20
Ps 91
Is 43
Rom 8:38-39
Is. 41:13
2 Cor.9:8
Rom 8;28
Deut. 31:6

More baking......... :)

Ok - I might be going overboard for me with the baking but with the schools closed today and it being 27 degrees this morning it was a perfect morning for experimenting with a new recipe I found! :)

So... here it is: Chocolate-Cherry-Cream Cheese Cinnamon Rolls

its from a yummy looking Southern Living Magazine I splurged on for myself!

Now- dried cherries - did not have any and the recipe came out super anyway but I can imagine that the cherries would have been divine in this recipe - and may stock up on them next time I am at the store. :)

This recipe calls for the frozen biscuits instead of making your own dough - (pretty cool) makes it very easy! I guess it's one of those 'semi-homemade' recipes :)

After the biscuits thawed we were to roll them/pat/squish them together to make a rectangle of the dough. Then slather them with the 80z package of cream cheese. (Patrick did not like the cream cheese) Had to make him some cereal for breakfast... this is normal for 'the boy'.

After the cream cheese came the brown sugar/cinnamon mixture...ooh smelled so yummy while baking. :)

Rachel was my helper and then she took over the camera when I was cutting the rolls.

Oh - don't forget the chocolate chips! The recipe called for a CUP of chocolate chips!

WoW - finished product! IT was wonderful - definitely a keeper recipe! Oh My - that's all I can say.. they were wonderful I had a big glass of milk and children had hot chocolate... nice way to start the cold, cold morning!

Oops forgot - we did a powder sugar/milk icing on top - it was wonderful pouring it over the top of the hot cinnamon rolls.

New Year... and more blogging...

A new year - and I want to get back into baking and cooking like I used to do - so.... what a way to start - Dream Scones. They were very easy to make - but some new techniques for me - they had me 'grate' the butter into the dish - which was a lot easier than chopping and trying to not 'melt' the butter while cutting it up. :)

Rachel surprised me with a chocolate cookbook - now- the cookbook is not made of chocolate but every recipe in it has cocoa in it in some way shape or form so this was our first recipe to make! OH - my - the house smells wonderful right now! :)
See all that yummy butter in there? It was a bit dry and not balling up so I added a teaspoon more of buttermilk and it was perfect. Then divide the batter into four parts and then roll out and divide each quarter into quarters hence the .....

many many scones.... wish I could share them but the kiddos actually took most of them to school to share with their teachers. :)

Look how wonderful they popped up to - and so rich but not as sweet as you'd think - just yummy!

This was the moon yesterday morning - so beautiful and something I always take a moment and pay attention too - don't know why - but I'm always fascinated with the sky and it's beauty :) But I wanted to share it with you!

Have a wonderful day and a great New Year!