I've decided being single just stinks...
I've been doing better each day but a friend today reminded me something that I've learned very recently - that it just takes ONE day - sometimes just ONE thing to sorta pull the rug out from under you and remind you are single again.. and at this time when "I'm" reminded of that it reminds me I"m divorced and the person I married for forever doesn't want to married to me -forever, and then of course it's a downward spiral of being alone and having no one to lean over and talk to or ask their thoughts on something or hold hands with or cook for and leave notes too or just smile at for no reason.
In February I was feeling better and starting to 'get hold' of life or rather ME again and two friends I thought were friends for life pulled the rug out from under me and it has taken me almost 3 months to recover from - I never dreamed that friends would do such a thing. But it crushed me and hurt so bad that I hid in my house, cried allot and afraid to go out and be seen by people for knowing that they were talking behind my back and who knows what.
But I've come through that - I still don't know why it happened. I know that it was uncalled for and especially by a friend. The Lord has brought me through it and I feel I've grown up somewhat through it - and their actions really only reflect on themselves.
So now this past Friday I had another day where the day bolstered me and I'm starting to feel 'normal' again. (3 months from the last time I've felt this good) I'm excited about the summer and a bit excited and nervous about the traveling we are going to be doing. I'm excited about the classes I'm taking and realizing I am smart, funny and can still be "me" after all this time. I'm 47 years old and am looking forward to this second half of my life.
Today church was tough - I really have a tough time going to church and not being in church .. (I had nursery duty today) ... and went home to get ready for the church picnic and went to the park and IT WASN'T THERE.(not the park - the church picnic).. they hadn't reserved the park - and there was a large function going on already and NO one from the church was there... (?)
I walked all over the park looking for them carrying a huge pan of brownies and the tomato cucumber salad. Couldn't find anyone - started calling the numbers I had and couldn't reach anyone. ( - they were busy picnicking) That's when I started to crumble - feeling alone and the only one left out of the picnic .. the one NOT included .. and I felt it creeping up in me again.. I felt alone and being reminded that I'm alone.
NOW.. before you get all mushy on me - I KNOW in my heart that I'm not alone - and that the Lord is with me and I have my children most of the time. BUT... a lot of the time I am by myself and I feel Satan just uses this against me. :( It's not enough I'm by myself.. but I have to deal with him and the doubt and hurt that envelopes me)
I went home after calling my dad to cry a bit - I checked my email and found out they had moved the picnic! So I against everything in me I drove to the new park and found everyone and even though they had finished eating I sat down and made my plate and one sweet woman came up to me and hugged me and I just tried to hold back the tears b/c of her kindness. She's in her 2nd marriage and she knew what I was going through and just let me hang with her. I am so thankful for her and her openness. (my pastor came up to me after he received my voicemail and just apologized and apologized - I had to make him to stop or I'd be crying) He's a very tenderhearted man. Churches really fail when it comes to divorced people and I'm not sure why - is it awkward and they don't know what to say? I'm not sure. Even today someone walked up to us and said, "It's great to be here with my wife... but then he stopped and I could tell he felt awkward for a moment b/c he'd remembered I was recently divorced... it was awkward. I was glad he enjoyed being there with his wife... but it reminded me I was there alone. Our church is so new - I am the only divorced person in the group. So.... I'm not going to find another church ... so we're going to have to figure it out.
It's a new life and full of new possibilities. :) I just wish I was stronger - and didn't have these days that bend me so low to the point of dissolution and such sadness. This evening I am OK - I'm glad I went against everything in me and went to the picnic even though it was tough. I didn't stay as long as I would have in the past but I stayed a couple of hours and came home. My children come home tomorrow and I'm SO GLAD and I want to get some cleaning done and be ready for when they arrive.
I am going to be doing online schooling this summer for a medical billing certificate. Something new for me - but it will be my back up plan if getting a job in the school system doesn't work out. It's a job hopefully I can do part time or full time from home. So - if you think about me to say a prayer please pray for a job in the school system so I can have summers off with my children. That would be my prayer ~ but of course I'll go what direction the Lord will have me go. :)
Goodnight - have a good week Ya'll!
My cousin Angie came over for lunch one day and the children had a wonderful time getting to know her! Can't believe she lives in Arlington and we are just now getting together! :) 
